Cake Blunder Causes Bad Luck

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Man Realises Run of Bad Luck Tied to Unforgivable Birthday Cake Blunder at Age 11

In a revelation that has the world on the edge of its collective seat, John Dougherty, a 33-year-old accountant from Newcastle, came to the sudden realisation that the cause of his decade-long streak of misfortune was, in fact, due to a minor slip-up during his 11th birthday party.

According to Dougherty, the entire trajectory of his life was shifted when he mistakenly touched the bottom of his birthday cake while cutting it. For those unfamiliar with the ancient and globally recognised superstition, touching the bottom of a birthday cake is said to curse one with exactly 22 years of bad luck. No, really, it’s a thing.

“I should’ve listened to Grandma,” Dougherty exclaimed, recalling how his elders had warned him about the dire consequences of improper cake cutting. “She used to say, ‘Johnny, respect the cake or the cake will disrespect you.’ I always thought she was talking about the calories.”

The ripple effects of this faux pas were undeniable. Friends of Dougherty can’t recall a single year since his 11th birthday when he didn’t accidentally tie his shoelaces together, lose his keys in his own refrigerator, or mistakenly text his boss instead of his girlfriend.

Lucy Sprinkles, a self-proclaimed “Cake Mystic,” commented on the incident, “I’ve been studying the Cake Arts for over a decade. Touching the bottom of the cake is like accidentally opening an umbrella indoors, but multiplied by a factor of seven. John’s very lucky it’s only 22 years.”

As Dougherty gears up to celebrate his 34th birthday next month, he’s decided to take no chances. “I’m hiring a professional cake cutter this time,” he shared with us, his voice trembling slightly. “And I’m making sure there’s a mystic on standby.”

In the meantime, Dougherty is taking strides to educate the world about the perils of cake-bottom-touching. He’s even started an online course titled “Cake Cutting for Dummies,” which he guarantees will help you “cut your cake and eat it too, without dooming the next two decades of your life.”

For everyone reading, next time you’re presented with a birthday cake, remember the harrowing tale of John Dougherty. And for goodness sake, keep your fingers off the bottom!

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