OBITUARY: LUCINDA “LIKE” LANGLEY – Queen of Connectivity

It is with mixed feelings that we announce the passing of Lucinda “Like” Langley, the only woman to have maintained a 98% screen-time average on her smartphone over the last decade. She died peacefully, clutching her phone, in a location with full Wi-Fi signal.

Born before the dawn of smartphones, Lucinda managed to live multiple lives – one in reality and the rest on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, TikTok, and countless others. She was last seen online just a minute before her passing, ensuring she left us the same way she lived amongst us – online and active.

Survived by her 15,000 Instagram followers, 8,000 Facebook friends, and an unknown number of muted WhatsApp group chats, Lucinda’s virtual footprint is so vast that archaeologists predict they’ll still be finding her deleted tweets and selfies centuries from now.

Throughout her life, Lucinda demonstrated exceptional multi-tasking skills: walking and texting, dining and Snapchatting, and even attending funerals while live-tweeting. She once mentioned she felt “multi-screen” was her true calling, juggling between her iPhone, iPad, and Apple Watch.

Highlights of Lucinda’s life include:

– Breaking the world record for the longest Snapchat streak at 2,487 days.
– Being the only person to use every single Instagram filter, even the hidden ones.
– Reaching level 5,432 on Candy Crush, a feat only believed to be mythical.

Her family has requested that, in lieu of flowers, mourners simply leave a comment on her last Instagram post or retweet her final tweet. The family is also in talks with tech giants to memorialize her phone battery percentage at the time of her death – a fitting 1%.

There will be a live-streamed memorial service on Zoom. Attendees are requested to keep their cameras on but microphones muted. A dedicated hashtag, #LastSeenWithLucinda, has been created for all to share their memories, memes, and GIF reactions.

In remembrance, let us all ensure our devices are on silent mode during her service, though we know Lucinda would’ve probably tweeted through it all. She will be missed, but her notifications will live on forever.

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